Just when you’re about to sleep (turned-off the lights), thoughts and lots of thoughts sprinted through your wits, you somehow want to sleep but can’t get into relaxing your mind because of so many things pumpin’ your head, finally, you decide to write and then, blop! All that you’ve been thinking and wanting to write, seemed to vanish in thin air, whoa! Right timing huh?
Let me pull together what I could remember from al those thoughts- ahhhh.. it just started into realizing how a smile can make a difference, when you see your not so privileged neighbor modeled a humongous smile early one morning, you can’t help but smile as well, well, what made him smile kaya? Maybe he got his breakfast early as he used to.. well, it’s none of my business n din.
And then, lots of realization began to decant..
At that instant, I realized, I feel bored, I really want to do something different from the last 2months ive been staying here, well, i've been waiting to make my big splash to motherhood (being soo busy nesting..). I read almost all of the books I bagged in order not to feel how im feeling now, I browsed even all the right magazines I have here, so what now?
Well, maybe I really can’t wait to deliver my very first baby, want her to be on board with her bootylicious momma! I guess, this is just the feeling of wanting to see my baby! Oh! I really want to see her na, as in! (siguro, she also wants to see her mommy n din! Her daddy n din!) I usually have my Braxton-hicks every so often, I don’t know if I just have this high resistance to pain, but it’s not yet time, but I really hope I’m really, really nearing it. I don’t want to be in the hospital only to realize that i just had false labor, I want to be sure of it, and so I really need some signs. I read lots about going through labor, but maybe, it’s a different pain before I would kick my booty to go to the hospital.
Another thing I came to realize, province attitude didn’t change much- my titas are still the same bunch of nervous freaks, and that includes my mother. One day, you tell them, you’re not feeling well, because the baby keeps on kicking, take a look at their faces, it only means one thing, “ano, pupunta na ba tayo sa hospital?” the worried looks in their faces, hay naku! It’s fine and even good to know that they’re so concerned pero ung mauna pa silang nerbyosin s akin, ewan ko lang ha, that much of minding really doesn’t help me at all, not at all. So I end up, keeping feelings/things to myself, I guess ill say what I feel, if it really is the right time. I don’t like those stares of questioning, I soo don’t like it. It feels like, I need to explain how I feel every now and then, like every feeling has an explanation, and every dream is controllable, like I had this bad dream before and I was asked why I dreamed of that, hello! As if I can control dreams!
Oftentimes I also asked why do people complain about other people (no exemption to that...), why are we not satisfied with what we have.. but somehow in the process.. I myself somehow was able to be contended.. but maybe, people are not really satisfied.. they tell themselves, if only I have this, then I’ll be happier.. and when they reach that place.. I want more, they say. Sigh.. human nature..
I know i'm nearing my high time and i'm just so excited and that i can't really hide it (yeah, just like the song..) so much so, now.. i need to relax.